Wall Street Follies

A Play in One Really Short Act

The scene: It's December 2008. The global economy is going down the tubes thanks in part to bad investments in subprime mortgages made by Wall Street firms. Two titans of the now-dying giant investment banks meet for lunch at a hoity-toity Manhattan dining room.

Banker #1: Hell of a year, huh? Who would have ever thought that we, the engines of American capitalism, would be on the verge of extinction, due to our own hubris, greed, and careless management?

Banker #2: Truer words were never spoken. Thank goodness for Hank Paulson and the TARP! If not for Hank getting us these no-strings-attached taxpayer funded loans, we'd be meeting for falafels on the corner, not sitting here enjoying a three hundred dollar lunch.

Banker #1: Falafel gives me the wind, so thank goodness indeed.

They chuckle. Banker #1 raises his glass in a toast.

Banker #1: To Hank!

Banker #2: To Hank!

Banker #1: So, now that we've pretty much sunk the global economy and killed our own industry, let's talk about what's really important.

Banker #2: Bonuses!

Banker #1: Bonuses. Since this is looking like our last hurrah, let's get while the gettin' is good - that luxury yacht isn't going to pay it's own mooring fees down in the Caymans, know what I mean?

Banker #2: I hear what you're saying. Now, in 2007, we gave ourselves $32.9 billion in bonuses, but given that times are tough all over, I propose we slash that by about 40 percent, to $18.4 billion.

Banker #1: Whoa - that's a tough pill to swallow! But I don't think anyone could get upset over that, least of all the American taxpayer who is bailing us out.

Banker #2: Right you are, my friend! So, I think I'm going to get one of those new Bentleys to celebrate...

Fade out.

-EB